To say that The Day the Earth Stood Still (hereafter DTESS) missed the point is the biggest understatement since a NASA official droned “Obviously a major malfunction” after the explosion of the space shuttle Challenger. Clearly, this is a film that has the dire hope that no one who watches it will have any memory of the 1951 classic of the same name. For those who have never seen the original, they might find themselves quietly wondering if something was missing from this film. In fact, if you’ve never seen the original, just stop reading right now and see the film at your own risk.

For the rest of us, though, this film represents everything that’s not only wrong with modern disaster films, but with American culture itself. DTESS clearly has a lofty series of goals it hopes to accomplish, yet achieves nothing more than one abject failure after another. It’s so bad that I found myself pulling my hair out, wondering why the hell I even bothered.

Surprisingly, very little of the blame can be squared against Keanu Reeves, who plays essentially the same character he’s done for the last dozen or so films. Distant and aloof? Check. Emotionless? Check. Superhero powers? Check. Acting ability? None needed. Perfect! He seems to be drawn to roles that have a not-so-subtle messianic nature to them – to the point that I’m beginning to wonder if he has a certain ego issue. Look for that oh-so-obvious walking on water. Yeah. He’s here to save the earth, but not the people on it. Hallelujah. Read more »

Before I spend any significant time in pontificating on just how bad The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor (hereafter Mummy 3) really is, I should confess that I have a certain amount of fanboy affection for Brendan Fraser. It’s hard for me to not like one of his films. Alas, in the case of Mummy 3, the film really borders on a level of asinine that makes for downright painful viewing. Even my fondness for Fraser’s presence on the big screen doesn’t save this atrocity from the depths of total celluloid depravity.

Director Rob Cohen takes over the reins from Stephen Sommers, who helmed the first two films. Cohen’s style of storytelling clearly wanted to capture some of the apparent nostalgia of the first two Mummy films. Only there’s one big problem – it’s only been seven years since the last one, and the first two films really weren’t all that great to begin with.

SPOILER WARNING: I’ve long had a personal policy of spoiler-free reviews, but I’ll have to make an exception in this case because it’s just THAT bad.

Try to imagine, if you can, a scene where massive, overly-animated Yeti pounce on the villains only to kick one of the poor heavies over a roof in an impromptu football field goal, with the obligatory referee’s hand sign. If you think such a scene is an exercise of brilliant humor, then there’s not really much hope for you—you’ll probably love this movie. The rest of us will roll our eyes nearly out of their sockets.

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